story time.

biiiiiiiiiiiiiiitch i almost died the other day. i DO NOT do spiders.

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You guys. I can deal with a lot of things, as I do daily in this life. But SPIDERS IS WHERE I DRAW THE LINE! I watched Arachnophobia one time when I was a little kid. If you don't know that movie, it's basically about giant fucking spiders taking over everything. I am cringing right now just thinking about the shit, my skin is crawling! Anyways, since then, I've been deathly afraid of spiders, and that has never changed.

absolutely NOT

So it's Tuesday afternoon, I slept in a little bit and relaxed before my test I had at 1:50. Real chill. Y'all I left on time, I was well rested, and it was a nice day as I was on my way to my test. I walked to my car, I plug in my music, and start cruising down the road and my song is bumping.

Bitch... then.

In my peripheral vision, I see some dime sized shit slowly making its way down towards my shoulder. I'm going 50 mph down Clairmont Road and I scream to the top of my lungs once I see this fuckers' legs come out to play! In addition to hating spiders, I hate anything that flies/floats. Like why are you eye level with me little insect? Little bird why are you in my FACE? It just creeps me out. And spiders look like they're flying when they come down on their webs!

So as I'm screaming, I'm actively trying not to kill myself as I'm living one of my biggest nightmares. Bitch I couldn't find a right turn quick enough!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I pull into the most questionably narrow two way across from a library, jump into the passenger seat and literally fall out the car. Call me dramatic, but I do not do any type of spider. Real, fake, dead, alive, drawn, cartoon, animation, NUNNADAT! I peeked through my passenger window trying to find this bitch. But of course he's gone. I look in my car for anything to potentially kill it, and of course it's just my luck that I don't have a single napkin in my car to squish it!

me figuring out if this situation is worth dying or not

I calm down enough to assess what I had to defend myself:

Weapons List

- Swiffer Wet Jet

- A slide

- Bath & Body Works perfume

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Okay, bet. The Swiffer has a good reach, I'll knock him off the door frame, spray him with the perfume to distract him then SQUASH HIS ASS!

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Easier said than done, y'all. I walk to the driver side and I see him. I look down for 5 seconds to adjust the length on the Swiffer and he left AGAIN! At this point, I'm almost late for my test. I call my mom as shes on her way to Cancun with my dad, and I'm actually crying because I cannot do spiders. I always ask my dad to come kill a bug at any time of the day if he is accessible. He's always so sweet about it, that's the Capricorn in him. But my mom... her, in all of her Aquarius-ness, straight up told me to GET IT TOGETHER! Here's a little glimpse of how our conversation went:

Me: "MOM, I AM ABOUT TO DIE. THERE IS A SPIDER IN MY CAR, AND I CANNOT DO THIS RIGHT NOW."

Mom: "Well, can your friend come and kill it?"

Me: "He thinks this is stupid and he said no. I'm calling an Uber. I look so stupid crying on the side of the road next to this boujie restaurant!"

Mom: "Do whatever you can afford. You need to get back in the car and go take your test, it's not that serious. Talk to your dad."

Me: *crying* "You don't even care. I'm hanging up."

Oooohhh I was so upset. Call me dramatic I don't care. I then go back to my passenger side and I see it sitting on my drivers seat just minding his damn business. I grab my Swiffer and start swinging it at it, but he keeps getting away from it! THEN, the Swiffer breaks. And I'm back to square one of my life being temporarily over. What I look like telling my teacher that I spider kept me out my car for 20 minutes, and that's why I'm late to the test. She gonna drop me from the class.

To make a long story short, I calmed down enough to pray that he died of a heat stroke. I didn't, and still haven't seen the spider. And the whole car ride back, I'm freaking out thinking that it's crawling on me. Imma say it one more time for the people in the back--

I

DO NOT

DO

SPIDERS